Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The first and last letter to the injured and confused soul - while apathy hasn't surfaced yet


Los Angeles, CA

To You,

"Everything, from day one to the last day that you've been together, I saw it as a spiral, no, a mosaic of dreams and nightmares; of gain and loss; of love and apathy. In as sense, it was a collection of surreal days -things that went beyond her expectations, and I did not really have any of such. This letter may seem odd, and my words may sound weirder than how I usually am. But I have to write this down, and tell you of my sentiments.

As what I've told you before, thank you for the dream. It was an absurd and irresponsible move of ours but I do not regret it, not in the sense that I was not thinking of that person waiting for me; or not putting in to mind the person occupying your heart. I do not regret it because I made a lost soul feel bliss for a short period of time. This being does not seek for any form of gratitude, believe me. Your soul expressed genuine feelings for another. I had refused you in all opportunities given, yet eventually I gave in (to my surprise). My reason for doing so - from the entwining of fingers, to the touch of your palm on my skin, to the kisses that I allowed you to shower upon me, and even the words of adoration that i refused to listen to - you may not understand the way I'd want you to understand thus I will not explain in full. However, one thing is of certainty, it was done to make you feel loved.

You are an interesting lad even though you love to bullshit your way and play with the art of politics. I've seen so many sides you enough to respect you. And it was an honor to witness your moments of pride, kindness, frailty and idiosyncrasies. Well, I think many others feel the same way, though you may refuse to believe it. The many sides not only made me respect you, but it also made me despise you.

The woman that you thought you had fallen in love with seemed cold and apathetic. It was a way of protecting herself, because she loves another, dearly, and she is not stupid enough to forget that you belong to someone else. Remember, time and time again she'd tell, "You will be with her". And by her, she meant your person.

That young woman complied, with what you had pressed her on, out of love for the lost and confused, never out of pity. She did love you but never on the same page as yours. Despite her being an evil existence and enveloped with pretensions, she has a heart and soul - and she loved you in her own way. Her defense was on so as not to allow things to go any further. You may have seen her vulnerability, her tears, but that doesn't give you, or anyone, any right to have a claim on her. You don't know her.

And those tears were true.Tears that weren't shed for love, but for the diminishing of the dream to the fact that reality was sinking in. Falsities were shared and the probable consequence of the situation will come. You heard her during that time, right? "It's not supposed to be like this," she uttered while crying. It hurt, and it will still hurt. Our friendship was not supposed to be the sacrifice of it all. Yet, the moment you've laid your eyes on her that way, you've already lost her. That is the case. You can never go back. She can never go back. I can never go back.

You had said that what we had was one of the purest things that you've ever experienced. I only listened, but never did I agree nor believe it. I only believed that you felt genuine feelings for it. But it never changed the reality of our situation. That's why "No, we can't" was my constant answer. It gave me pain to hurt you constantly, even though I'm not entirely sure if we shared the same sentiment. And did you know, that crying was my way of saying "I'm tired of hurting you again and again because I can never belong to you. You know that. We know that,"? Why did you have to carelessly utter endearing words, words that i wouldn't and will never trust?
I've understood the reality of it all and will not dwell on it any longer. You'd always asked me "where have I been all those years?" And I would just laugh. I guess, I was still growing up. I just wish, somewhere in your heart and mind, you'll treasure the memories you've made with that girl in - . She was a living paradox, according to you, who made you happy in that fleeting moment - even if you believed that your feelings were never fleeting.

Like always, thank you for the dream - and the nightmares to come. I pray that however foolish we are, we'll still be capable of healing.

The One that Got Away

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